A lot of people, including me, focus on the things that they “lack” or they dont possess. Often those are reasons that disturb our inner peace/harmony and derails us from our paths. Love, money, success, fame, respect, friends. The things that we all want! But what exactly gives them value? The probability of not having them! The gap between “I dont have” and “I have” its the thing that provides pleasure and quality. Once we realize that on a deeper level, our fears lose ground and even evaporate. Being lonely, its what makes “love” possible. They cant exist without each other. You could apply this logic for almost everything. For example, most people dont aknowledge their hearing because its considered as something “given”. But if they lose it for some reason, they immediately would realize its value. Life is not about one thing, one situation, one month, one person or one love … its about the wide variation of choices. About moving on and not being stagnant. So the next time when we dont “have” something, instead of being disappointed and losing our balance, we could see it as a potential to create a gap, to create value. As the great Alan Watts said “Life its like a dance. Its not about reaching from point “a” to point “b”. Its about experiencing the distance between them.”
Imagine “Life” being a big, white, empty canvas. Each of us resembles a paint brush. By that, we are meant to leave a mark. It could be a gigantic one or a slim dot, both hold the same value. Imagine “Mona Lisa” without the small dots that filled her eyes?! There is no “right” or “wrong” collor. “Better” or “Worse”. “Good” or “Evil”. Each collor it’s there to be used – sometimes more often, sometimes less. Sometimes with a purpose, sometimes without. Its impossible to understand the “bigger” picture that we, as a unit, draw. So why worry about it? Thousands of brushes could be drawing the same things and you could be that ONE, that gives a new direction. Never forget that but also never grasp on the idea. Just draw whatever comes from inside you – it would never be a mistake.
This wont be a post about “how to be a good parent”. It would focus mostly at the matter mentioned inside the title. During their early years, children are “pure” and dont have the “adult” filter to disintegrate the world around them. They receive everything with an “open mind” and their view its widely open. The later is possible because they dont hold any major “fears” and the accompanying doubts.
Everytime a person creates a “fear”, a certain % of their consciousness is “appointed” to be on guard about that fear. Now part of your unconsciousness, that % always scans the world for signs of appearance by that fear. Lets say that you are afraid of bees. Compared to other people, you would be able to spot them earlier via smell, distant buzzing, recognizing their likely habitat and so on. If before that fear, you were experiencing the world with 100% free consciousness, after that it becomes 98%. 2% are now redirected onto the bee problem and you cant use them freely. In a perfect world, children start with 100% consciousness on their disposal.
When they begin to interact with other people and Society, they are exposed to Western thinking and its Ego. They begin to face difficult tasks named as “problems”. They are incited with a solve mechanism, which is – cut your wild open view of the world and create this small bubble so that you could enter it and think about the “problem”. One problem = one bubble, ten problems = ten bubbles. By jumping from one bubble to another, he has no capacity and time to view/enjoy the World. If he does it long enough, he becomes “addicted” onto the solving mechanism which sadly means, for the rest of his life. IMO a parents job should be to destroy those bubbles until their kid is big enough to do it on its own. By doing it, you protect him from overvaluing his “mind” as a problem solver.
Sadly, often enough parents are the ones that create those bubbles and chain their kids for their entire lifes. They do it unknowingly but that doesnt change the end result. For kids – parents are the most trustworthy beings in the whole world even more than themselfs. Its inprinted in their consciousness. Even if a kid has a really bad parent, by seeing other children with their families, the idea that he should be close with his father or mother its reinforced. When a father says to his child that “he is dumb”, the later may not like it, he may even rebel against it but there wont be a single thought “my father could be wrong”. He believes you 100%. Everything you say to him, he doesnt doubt it. Many people put their shortcomings, ambitions, unreal expectations onto their children. For every one leader and champion created in that enviroment, there are 50 other whom are tainted for life. Adults are full with bubbles from their childhoods. They dont know how to destroy them instead they cherish them in a masochistic relationship. Do not underestimate the things you say to your child, they receive them with their souls.
What does “confidence” actually mean? Have you ever tracked it back to its roots? Most of us, never bother. We inherit its understanding from our surroundings a.k.a Western Society. Its inprinted inside us since an early age and the “feel” about it seems extremely natural to us to ever doubt it. We question its meaning, with the same likeness that we ask ourselfs “Why do I have two hands and not three?”.
For most people, confidence equals “feeling good”. Nothing wrong with that. But when we crushed it to smaller pieces, it becomes “to have some kind of an advantage over the rest, to be better than them”. We want to be more – beautiful, successful, fit, smarter, to have the best swag and so on, it could be anything. Once we choose, the mather becomes the center of our life. Its the very first thing we want for other people to see in us and the thing that we are most secure to be judged on. Let say someone choose “beauty”. His subconscious starts to compare him to other people. There are always areas that he would “lack” compared to the rest. Hypothetically those are the ones that lower his overal ranking which translates into those are the ones that stops him from “feeling good”. The mind begins to view them as “flaws”, they became his ill places. He co-exist with them as “something that he has to live with” but never accepts, often feeling shame. Once we putt too much weight on our “flaws” we become self-critical. The next and bigger scale, letting it “outside” – we see our flaws/fears in other people and we begin to critic them as well. All of this is subconscious, we do it while not understanding the process and our motivation behind it. We accept the idea that this is us. The real person steps back so that the “image”, created by the mind, could take over.
How could we escape the illusion named “confidence” and avoid being trapped inside it. If you read this, you already did – the hardest part is to know that it exist. Now you would begin to spot it with an increasing rate. Fight it but not with anger. Give it time and dont be hard on yourself, that slows the process. In the meantime, I could offer you a new take about “being confident” – be confident because you exist. Its a simple anchor but the most real one. If you accept it and eliminated the endless race with others, inner peace would come naturaly.