This wont be a post about “how to be a good parent”. It would focus mostly at the matter mentioned inside the title. During their early years, children are “pure” and dont have the “adult” filter to disintegrate the world around them. They receive everything with an “open mind” and their view its widely open. The later is possible because they dont hold any major “fears” and the accompanying doubts.
Everytime a person creates a “fear”, a certain % of their consciousness is “appointed” to be on guard about that fear. Now part of your unconsciousness, that % always scans the world for signs of appearance by that fear. Lets say that you are afraid of bees. Compared to other people, you would be able to spot them earlier via smell, distant buzzing, recognizing their likely habitat and so on. If before that fear, you were experiencing the world with 100% free consciousness, after that it becomes 98%. 2% are now redirected onto the bee problem and you cant use them freely. In a perfect world, children start with 100% consciousness on their disposal.
When they begin to interact with other people and Society, they are exposed to Western thinking and its Ego. They begin to face difficult tasks named as “problems”. They are incited with a solve mechanism, which is – cut your wild open view of the world and create this small bubble so that you could enter it and think about the “problem”. One problem = one bubble, ten problems = ten bubbles. By jumping from one bubble to another, he has no capacity and time to view/enjoy the World. If he does it long enough, he becomes “addicted” onto the solving mechanism which sadly means, for the rest of his life. IMO a parents job should be to destroy those bubbles until their kid is big enough to do it on its own. By doing it, you protect him from overvaluing his “mind” as a problem solver.
Sadly, often enough parents are the ones that create those bubbles and chain their kids for their entire lifes. They do it unknowingly but that doesnt change the end result. For kids – parents are the most trustworthy beings in the whole world even more than themselfs. Its inprinted in their consciousness. Even if a kid has a really bad parent, by seeing other children with their families, the idea that he should be close with his father or mother its reinforced. When a father says to his child that “he is dumb”, the later may not like it, he may even rebel against it but there wont be a single thought “my father could be wrong”. He believes you 100%. Everything you say to him, he doesnt doubt it. Many people put their shortcomings, ambitions, unreal expectations onto their children. For every one leader and champion created in that enviroment, there are 50 other whom are tainted for life. Adults are full with bubbles from their childhoods. They dont know how to destroy them instead they cherish them in a masochistic relationship. Do not underestimate the things you say to your child, they receive them with their souls.
For most people, “depression” is something that they should avoid at all cost. Its “bad” and unwanted. Its a sure sign that they are weak and that they cant handle life … that they are “failures”. Its no coincendence that we ignore facing it as long as possible. Here is a fun fact for you – there are plenty of people who “understand” death and are ready to face her BUT not once I have met a person who is “open” and ready to accept depression.
In the noisy Western World, its almost imposible to not have at least a small “Ego”. IMO, with social media around, it worsened a lot in the past years. If an “Ego” could be measured, for the majority of population it would be around “medium” to “large”. An “ego” is a mental projection of our physical Self, like an adopted brother. By accepting and nurturing it, we give it home. That home is our body and head. At first, we are the ones that have control and make decisions but with time that changes. “We” begin to crave fame and power, to seek validation and love, to be offended more easily. All that is where the “Ego” trives, where it is strong enough and naturaly it takes the lead and we step back. What “Depression” really is … a cry! A cry for help coming from deep down inside us. A cry from ” the Self” going against the “Ego” .Its the best sign that change is needed – a change of rule.
Like a tyrant who tries to deprive from credibility those that speak against him, the collective “ego” tooks measures . If “depression” was a person, we are made to believe that he is to be despised forever. But imagine if that assumption was somehow “wrong”. Like really wrong and unfair from our side. What if that person really just wanted to show us the truth, shake us really hard in order for us to see it? When his voice is too loud to ignore, the Ego makes the perfect chess move – a step backwards, so that it can avoid rebellion. A rebellion that leads towards suicide or “awakening” of the Self. Both cases resulting in dethroning the Ego! It gives some amount of power back, enough that we make some changes. Change of partner or a job .. or a “belief” system/religion. The later are like parties in politics, they could number 1000 and yet are being sponsored by one guardian – the “Ego”. No mather who you would choose, its an illusion of choise .. the ruler its one and the same.
What does “confidence” actually mean? Have you ever tracked it back to its roots? Most of us, never bother. We inherit its understanding from our surroundings a.k.a Western Society. Its inprinted inside us since an early age and the “feel” about it seems extremely natural to us to ever doubt it. We question its meaning, with the same likeness that we ask ourselfs “Why do I have two hands and not three?”.
For most people, confidence equals “feeling good”. Nothing wrong with that. But when we crushed it to smaller pieces, it becomes “to have some kind of an advantage over the rest, to be better than them”. We want to be more – beautiful, successful, fit, smarter, to have the best swag and so on, it could be anything. Once we choose, the mather becomes the center of our life. Its the very first thing we want for other people to see in us and the thing that we are most secure to be judged on. Let say someone choose “beauty”. His subconscious starts to compare him to other people. There are always areas that he would “lack” compared to the rest. Hypothetically those are the ones that lower his overal ranking which translates into those are the ones that stops him from “feeling good”. The mind begins to view them as “flaws”, they became his ill places. He co-exist with them as “something that he has to live with” but never accepts, often feeling shame. Once we putt too much weight on our “flaws” we become self-critical. The next and bigger scale, letting it “outside” – we see our flaws/fears in other people and we begin to critic them as well. All of this is subconscious, we do it while not understanding the process and our motivation behind it. We accept the idea that this is us. The real person steps back so that the “image”, created by the mind, could take over.
How could we escape the illusion named “confidence” and avoid being trapped inside it. If you read this, you already did – the hardest part is to know that it exist. Now you would begin to spot it with an increasing rate. Fight it but not with anger. Give it time and dont be hard on yourself, that slows the process. In the meantime, I could offer you a new take about “being confident” – be confident because you exist. Its a simple anchor but the most real one. If you accept it and eliminated the endless race with others, inner peace would come naturaly.
How do you understand “logic”? The brain sends you the most likely course of action based on past experience and information around us. “Logic” draws water from our lifes and with time, as deep as it could be, that well could stale and lose it freshness. Once that happens, we become heavily biased against new experience. A common and dangerous deception for most people is that “Logic”= “the right way of action”. Once we accept that as a fact, everytime time the brain sends you something with the “logic” label on it, we take little or no notice. Decisions become an illusion, we stop choosing based on our likeness but instead obey an analytical tool that cant grasp the scale and dept of life. We receive “decisions” as a documents that “simply” need our signature and we give it, lacking any consciousness about the content. An answer could be backed by 95% of the data or 10%, it doesnt mather if it tops the list – its the most “logical” one. The Mind doesnt like the idea to be “wrong” and with its increasing influence, it begins to talk us out from entering uncharted territories. That limits our experience and puts frames on our existence. The well is tainted by fears.
Motivated by its own agenda, the “Ego” aims to reduce the information coming from other senses. Instead, it provides us with its own cheaper coppies – “words”. Everything that doesnt include “thinking” we start to assume as unimportant, trivial and annoying. Give it enough time, most of our daily routines are branded as such. The “Ego” cant remove them completely, so it persuades us to either “speedrun” through them or not pay them much attention. A daily routine list:
- Fixing your bed, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, tying your shoes, covering the distance between home and work, fitness, dropping your kids at school and so on
How many of those you are perfoming without being annoyed? Without wanting to be somewhere else and doing something more “meaningful”? A lot of people “dream walk” through them. Their bodies are doing the physical exercise while their consciousness go on a “mind” tour full of thoughts. The later, often enough are deprived from any weight towards your life or any possibility for them to actually happen: ” What if my best friend, who is a gay, sleeps with my wife? “
The Ego’s strategy for cutting you from reality. It creates a “dream” as far into the future as possible – making a family, collecting a diploma, having an “X” amount of money and so on. It fools us that those “dreams” possess a great value. We neglect our present,daily lifes and instead concentrate on thoughts about “that” one special future moment. We are unhappy but dont know the reason about it. Something inside of us rebels through emotions but the mind cuts it with something along the lines – “When that future “X” moment arrives, everything will change and I would live differently and be happy”. And often enough that comforts us for a while. One day we reach that goal, that goal that filled our mind and life for years. Only to find out that it brings us a very slim pleasure. We are left empty, all those years we werent chasing the actual goal but an illusion. She fueled us for so long that we cant live without it anymore. In order to survive, we create another longterm future goal.
Who are you? You can see with your eyes, listen with your ears, smell with your nose, touch with your skin, think with your brain, taste with your tongue and interact with other people. Each sense has its own “language”. They cant “understand” each other, meaning you cant hear with your eyes or smell with your ears. The “Self” is the only one that could understand and appreciate each sense for what it is. The “mind” has another role in the whole process – to deliver, as a courier, the information from all senses. Probably because of that extra role, we tend to overvalue it and thus manifest a common mistake. We believe that the “mind” could replace us in our job and receive all incoming information. He does it in a way but a “cheap” one, all signals are transformed into words – his own language. By being lazy, we unconsciously put the brain in charge of our lifes. If simply putted, we are a body with senses that interacts with the world, the mind translates it as an “Ego” that calls it self John Doe or Jane Smith. From this moment on, it start chasing its own agenda – convinsing us that the “Self” and the “Ego” are one and the same.
To see things clearly, its a lot more easier from the outside than from the inside. For example, when going through past memories people are often amazed how they behaved. Thats because they are outside the “bubble” of that particular situation and there are no emotions/quick thinking involved. The same is with our love lifes, when you see other couples fighting often you think “how could they fight for such a trivial thing” and yet when you are the involved party probably you do the same.
Going against your brain dominant reality happens from the inside. Once you are addicted on the “thinking” drug you wont be able to escape just by waiting it to pass by. That bubble is gigantic and would never let you go or pop up on its own. You have to fight it while its effects are disturbing and enslaving you. Its like changing your clothes while driving with 100 km/h, step by step. For that to happen, you need to start creating tiny moments in your everyday life when you are “awake” and “aware” of the drug and your fight against it. When those happen you actively try to shut all thoughts coming in your head by either cutting them down completely or by saying that they are not “real” and are not coming from “YOU”. It would difficult at first but dont be hard on yourself just keep pushing it and the moments would grew larger. Remember the voice that critisize you “You cant do that because you are weak” its the voice of the thing you are trying to fight off. Just “think” about that, why would YOU critisize yourself voluntery? Its simple, you dont because the voice saying that its not coming from you. There is even a better strategy to try concentrating on your other senses like hearing, touching, speaking, seeing and by increasing their usage, you decrease the usage of the “thinking” brain but that is a story for another day.
IMO a great way to create those moments is when we sneeze. No mather what you are doing at the moment of sneezing, its stops. Just like a computer, out system shuts down and reboots for seconds. I was peeing few times when the sneeze came by and there is no fighting it 🙂 But with the sneeze comes an opportunity – the brain and the thoughts shuts down as well. You are in peace even just for a second. So when the sneeze happens, dont try to grab it but rather be aware of it and create that “moment” without being afraid of losing you. The thoughts would pop up almost immediately but dont give them attention instead focus on the breeze in your face, the moving leaves on the trea, the sun on your skin or the sound from the passing cars.